When men come for counselling to see Rod Mitchell, a psychologist at FearIsNotLove, they often hold the belief that they should suppress anger. They need to get rid of it by punching a punching bag or screaming into a pillow. Based on research, this does not actually work in the long term.
When you try to vent anger, you are only strengthening those neural connections related to anger. This makes it more likely to feel more anger in the future and get worse and worse. Over time, screaming into a pillow or punching a punching bag can become a habit. This habit can then evolve to include screaming at family members or punching holes in walls. You have a lot less control over your emotions than you think. While anger is a part of the human experience, you can reduce anger over time by changing how you view it.
Picture this: You are on a platform 12 feet above a big pool of water. In this pool, there are 3 great white sharks. They swim around beneath you, watching you with their little black eyes. One of the sharks leaps out of the water and tries to take a bite at you. Now imagine while you are on the platform, one of your arms is hooked up to a machine that measures your anxiety and fear. Not whether you act anxious or fearful, but feeling those emotions. If the machine senses anxiety or fear, the platform collapses and you fall into the pool of sharks.
When asked what would happen in this situation, most people would admit that they would feel genuine fear and fall to their deaths.
Now let’s change the situation a bit and remove the machine out of the equation. No matter how anxious or fearful you are, if you just pretend to be excited and happy on this platform, you will be set free. Just plaster a smile on your face and do some jazz hands and you don’t have to take a bath with the sharks.
Most people can say they would be able to do that. They may still feel fear and anxiety, but they would be able to act happy and excited in order to escape.
The point is that you don’t actually have a lot of control over how you feel, but you do have a lot of control over how you act.
Change your relationship with anger
Rod suggests a different approach: instead of trying to eliminate anger completely, try changing your relationship with it. Get curious about why you feel angry. Imagine you are experiencing anger for the first time like a curious kid. It’s unpleasant but you are interested to learn more.
Start asking questions like, “Where is this feeling coming from?” and “Where is this feeling of anger in my body? Is it in my chest? Is it in my stomach? Is it in my head?”
Zoom in on that sensation of anger. Where are the edges of it? Does it feel hot or cold? Does it stay still or is it moving around? If you could hold the sensation of anger like an object, what would it look like? What shape would it have? What colour is it? If you could touch it, would it be rough or smooth?
Rod applies this technique to his own life, choosing curiosity over struggling with anger. He loves his one-year-old son more than anything, but sometimes caring for him can be irritating. His son cries for hours in the middle of the night, which is irritating when he and his wife have to work the next day. That feeling of irritation is something he cannot control.
Irritation, frustration, and anger will surface at different times in your life. These feelings are what make you human, but they should not have control over you. What you can control is how you respond to those feelings. Acknowledge and explore these feelings. If it is anger, where is it in your body? It can be in your stomach today and in your chest tomorrow. By asking questions like these, you create distance from it. It makes it easier for you to act like the person you want to be.
When you feel angry, don’t focus on trying to vent or get rid of it. Instead, acknowledge the feeling and observe it like a curious child. Ask questions about it. It can be as quick as 10 seconds. The more you define and quantify it, the more distant you become with it. Emotions are an integral part of human existence. Understanding more about your anger allows you to choose different responses.
