You’re stressed.
Paying bills, working, and all the household and personal responsibilities you carry can be exhausting. Add children into the mix and it is another level of complicated and not how you thought you would spend your life. Working, driving, dropping children off, picking them up and then driving some more.
Adulting is hard and the work is never-ending.
It’s also full of joy though, and it’s what living life is all about.
How can we turn down the stress and turn up the joy?
The question of dividing work at home equitably can be a good place to start.
Maybe you know this is an ongoing problem because you and your partner are constantly butting heads over who is doing what chores and when. Or maybe, it’s not a consistent point of contention, but it’s been bubbling under the surface for a long time. Either way, most couples struggle with equitably dividing the work of managing a household at some point in their relationship!
What does it mean to divide work equitably? It’s about finding a balance that’s fair.
For example, if both partners work full-time, but one partner is doing the lion’s share of running the household, then there’s an imbalance. That’s not an equitable or fair division of the work.
What does fairly dividing work have to do with joy?
When both partners feel there’s a balance in responsibilities at home, they’re less likely to argue and feel like they need to constantly remind their partner of outstanding chores or tasks.
When a couple finds balance at home, it leads to increased happiness with both partners feeling valued and a shared sense of teamwork. It strengthens relationships, making them healthier and more resilient.
How do we get to the point of balance?
Every couple might do this differently, but here’s our suggestion on one way to do this.
- ASK
Be intentional and take the first step in asking your partner for some time to discuss balance at home. It helps if there are fewer distractions and lots of time to have the conversation.- “Hey, I know we’ve been really busy lately, and I just want us to take some time to check in with each other about how we balance work at home. Can we talk about it over dinner this weekend when the kids are with my parents?”
- PLAN AHEAD
Get in the right mindset – you’re a team! It’s not me vs my partner, it’s us together vs life.- Remind yourself that it’s not about who is “right” or “wrong”. It’s about problem-solving together.
- Think ahead of time about what you can do if you or your partner start to act defensively. What kind of things can you do or say to get past defensiveness?
- ACTIVITY
Suggest this activity to make the invisible work visible. Each partner should write their own list of all the chores or tasks that they do on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.- Once you’ve each had enough time to write your lists, come together to compare and discuss the lists.
- What do you notice about your list and your partner’s list?
- How do you each feel about your lists?
- What, if anything, do you wish would change with your lists?
- Can the lists be better balanced? If so, how?
- If you want to change these lists, how will each of you commit to keeping yourselves accountable to the change?
- Once you’ve each had enough time to write your lists, come together to compare and discuss the lists.
- CIRCLE BACK
You may want to make it part of your routine to make time to check in with each other about your lists.- For example, maybe every month is date night, where the kids go visit their grandparents for the weekend. During that time, you intentionally set aside time to check in with each other:
- Have we been accountable for the changes we said we’d make?
- How are we feeling about the balance of work at home?
- Have circumstances changed (i.e. maybe one partner’s work hours have changed)?
- How do we account for new challenges that are coming up?
- How can we be proactive and plan ahead for upcoming changes, like the birth of another child, a new job, or moving to a new city?
- For example, maybe every month is date night, where the kids go visit their grandparents for the weekend. During that time, you intentionally set aside time to check in with each other:
It’s going to be an ongoing conversation, and honestly, it’s work! But that’s the thing: relationships are work and each of us has to decide if the people we love are worth the effort. We absolutely get out of it what we put into it and working toward balance makes life much better.
Remember, there’s so much joy in the journey, and there are people to help you if things get tough. You’re not alone. To learn more about our men’s counselling services or just to get support you can call 1-833-327-MENS (6367)
